Choosing the dragon

I am not sure if I learn from life or I repeat patterns and hope this time things will turn out differently. I seem to be in many respects exactly where I was 20 years ago. Some differences, I have no gainful employment, I am older. I am losing ambition and replacing it with purpose to complete things that interest me. I know that life is limited not endless and I no longer hope to find a life partner. I really think that for some of us we are destined to be alone or rather, go through life, for the most part, solo. So even if I tend to follow a pattern I think I see things more clearly.



I have met some interesting people along the way, some who have really touched me in a way no other person can. I have learned that there are a few people who, for want of a better word are my soul mates. I can truly say that I love them and their lives have and do enrich mine. I can only hope to spend more time with those I love, to enjoy their company. Some my best life experiences have been silly conversations, fueled by too much red wine, and glorious sunsets with those special people. I hope for more of the same.



Today I was privileged to witness a family say good bye to a father, friend and partner in life. An interesting man who truly impacted positively the lives of so many and yet he would not have said so himself. I wonder how many people do not realize that their contribution to the lives of others is just their unique being. Although I knew him only slightly I recognized in my few brief encounters with him a truly special soul.



In the last few days I have been full of self pity, despairing over my personal situation and my crippled family. In truth I recognize much of my and their pain was inflicted by me. I knew for years that my husband did not have my best interest at heart or the interest of his children and yet I continued to let him have power over us. I was too cowardly to let go of the situation even though it was toxic and dangerous. For this crime of cowardliness my children have suffered, all of them. The youngest because it went on too long they have a warped sense of what love and family is, and they witness much ugliness, it has harmed them. My older children who watched and could do nothing and are now afraid to commit to relationships, again my fault. I don’t know if I can fix this.



It may even be too late for me to regain any meaningful employment in my field, I am called too qualified, which we all know means “hey your too old”, or “I don’t think I can supervise you “. I may have to be satisfied with occasional work. I will keep trying to find a situation that will work for me. It is hard on the ego and self esteem.



Today I witnessed the closing of a life well lived. It caused me to pause, reflect, slow down my thoughts and be a witness, to think of all those who I love and am thankful for. To appreciate those who I have met who even for a brief moment touched my life. To understand that if the course of my life to date was any different I may not have had them in my life at all.

I have choices to make…choose to be sad, or choose to be grateful. I am really trying for the latter. I can choose to give up and just wait out life’s end or I can try to be the fish who tries to climb the waterfall to become the dragon. I’ll keep swimming.