50something

Choosing the dragon

2010-08-21T20:57:00.000-04:00

I am not sure if I learn from life or I repeat patterns and hope this time things will turn out differently. I seem to be in many respects exactly where I was 20 years ago. Some differences, I have no gainful employment, I am older. I am losing ambition and replacing it with purpose to complete things that interest me. I know that life is limited not endless and I no longer hope to find a life partner. I really think that for some of us we are destined to be alone or rather, go through life, for the most part, solo. So even if I tend to follow a pattern I think I see things more clearly.

I have met some interesting people along the way, some who have really touched me in a way no other person can. I have learned that there are a few people who, for want of a better word are my soul mates. I can truly say that I love them and their lives have and do enrich mine. I can only hope to spend more time with those I love, to enjoy their company. Some my best life experiences have been silly conversations, fueled by too much red wine, and glorious sunsets with those special people. I hope for more of the same.

Today I was privileged to witness a family say good bye to a father, friend and partner in life. An interesting man who truly impacted positively the lives of so many and yet he would not have said so himself. I wonder how many people do not realize that their contribution to the lives of others is just their unique being. Although I knew him only slightly I recognized in my few brief encounters with him a truly special soul.

In the last few days I have been full of self pity, despairing over my personal situation and my crippled family. In truth I recognize much of my and their pain was inflicted by me. I knew for years that my husband did not have my best interest at heart or the interest of his children and yet I continued to let him have power over us. I was too cowardly to let go of the situation even though it was toxic and dangerous. For this crime of cowardliness my children have suffered, all of them. The youngest because it went on too long they have a warped sense of what love and family is, and they witness much ugliness, it has harmed them. My older children who watched and could do nothing and are now afraid to commit to relationships, again my fault. I don’t know if I can fix this.

It may even be too late for me to regain any meaningful employment in my field, I am called too qualified, which we all know means “hey your too old”, or “I don’t think I can supervise you “. I may have to be satisfied with occasional work. I will keep trying to find a situation that will work for me. It is hard on the ego and self esteem.

Today I witnessed the closing of a life well lived. It caused me to pause, reflect, slow down my thoughts and be a witness, to think of all those who I love and am thankful for. To appreciate those who I have met who even for a brief moment touched my life. To understand that if the course of my life to date was any different I may not have had them in my life at all.

I have choices to make…choose to be sad, or choose to be grateful. I am really trying for the latter. I can choose to give up and just wait out life’s end or I can try to be the fish who tries to climb the waterfall to become the dragon. I’ll keep swimming.

Random life

2010-07-20T01:54:00.002-04:00

"In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is."

~Anonymous

If I believed in fate or God I would say my life has been guided to this place so I could learn something about myself. But I really think life is just fascinatingly random. If I had not gone through that personal hell, over the last year I would not be where I am at now.

I have so many wonderful people in my life, people who really care about me and enjoy being with me as much as I enjoy their presence. This morning I was gloomy. I felt lonely and isolated. Tonight as I try to go to sleep I feel peace and the beginning of contentment. I know I still will feel some pain and sadness but as the song says “I’d rather feel the pain then nothing at all. Love hurts”. It does and life hurts if you live it fully.

Tonight I went for a run, I felt real joy. The air was warm, moist and soft and the moon was bright. I like running in the dark, probably not a smart thing to do but it feels good. I liked the smell of the air and I had music I love blaring in my ears, I felt like I was dancing down the road. It is still tough to run after years of neglect but it was actually thrilling to feel so alive. I feel the same thing when I swim. The water glides by my skin I feel weightless, swimming to me is like flying. Sound is muffled and I feel a gentle pressure all over my body that supports me and lifts me up or moves aside to let me through it if I chose. I am alone and fully, completely free in the water.

I am look forward to each random event in my life now.

"You cannot finish the book of life, without closing it’s chapters. If you want to go on... then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages." ~Unknown

Myself?

2010-07-01T12:19:00.000-04:00

"Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is enlightenment. Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self requires strength."- Lao Tzu

Every thinking adult ponders the question of, “Who am I”? It is the essential by-product of being human; that and understanding that life is finite. It is also the ultimate self absorption, most self involved use of time there is, however we all do it none-the-less. I am one of those fusion people whose thoughts are a mix of Western philosophy, Judeo –Christian ethics and Eastern philosophy. Probably because of my family and my education which was such an odd mix of these views. I am a true product of my BC roots, my hipster father, colonial British mother and the 1970’s. So here I sit and navel-gaze and feel no guilt.

I think therefore I am. I am the sum of all the things I have done, good or bad. I am the places I have been, the people I have met, what I have read, seen and heard and of course eaten. I am responsible for what I have said and all of my actions. I owe a debt of those who came before me and must contribute to my society. I should treat others as I want to be treated and love my family and friends. I am also that unique essential person, who is altered, modified and shaped by living but whose soul or self remains the same. My purpose is to experience life as an end in itself. A strange brew this me.

I have been pushed through a door to the next place. I hung onto the frame, cried, begged and pleaded to remain one the comfortable side. But now that I am through the door and off of the stoop I now know it’s actually much better here. I am not sure how much stuff I should bring with me. Kids yes, they will be happier here, friends, they are here already. I know what I must leave behind and who. I think I know what I need to learn, I need to find the authentic me. I am working on believing I am ok and valuable. I will try to do what is good for me, makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself.

"Self-knowledge alone eradicates misery". "Self-knowledge alone is the means to the highest bliss." “Absolute perfection is the consummation of Self-knowledge."- Adi Shankaracharya

Old friends

2010-06-27T00:52:00.000-04:00

You met so many people in your life and everyone changes you just a bit, but there are special people who do much more then change you, they make you. Without them in your life you would be less then who you are. I have been very lucky to have met and loved some amazing men and women. The kind of people who you can restart a conversation with, even after thirty years, and still be totally in tune with.

I have a couple of girl friends, and I mean this because we were friends as girls, who are now women with grown children and they are the same people I knew as a girl. Now I don’t mean these are women who have stagnated and remained little girls, far from it. They have lived life fully, suffered, felt joy, lost loved ones, raised kids, travelled, worked and played, but essentially they are still the same people. Better, wiser and more beautiful then they were as girls but their souls are the same.

What ever it is that makes the essence of a person, in these special people, is still so clear to me it seems untouched. Maybe we only show are true selves to a few people because it is only with a few people we feel truly safe. It is this authentic person we know and bond with. The connection I felt as a girl to these women, the love, the trust, the joy I feel in their company I still feel. I am blessed to know them.

"Life is available only in the present moment."

2010-05-26T23:54:00.000-04:00

I am an unguided traveler. I am no longer suffering under any illusions that I control my life. I really have absolutely no idea where I am going. I don’t know what going to happen tomorrow and for the first time in my life I actually don’t mind. Sure I make plans and I am as reliable as ever but that just superficial stuff. The real things in life are all so haphazard. Who knows when you will get a life threatening illness, or meet someone who sends your life down a completely different path; it’s all such an ever changing landscape.

I have always loved science fiction. A popular theme is a different reality. Such as; what if WWII turned out differently and the allies had lost; what if the Roman Empire never ended etc.

I know when I look back on my life I can see that if this or that had not happened as they did, my life now would be very different. I know that what ever I do I will never do exactly the same again and we all know that whatever has happened can’t be undone. Yes I know these are not original thoughts. Everyone who has normal intelligence knows these things to be true, but knowing these facts is one thing, really understanding them is another.

I have actually begun to live in the moment more and more each day. I was golfing on Monday and as I waited to tee-off, I actually listened to the wind in the trees. Really listened, as I did as a child, laying on my back in the grass. It was amazing. I am determined to view the world each moment at a time. Each person I meet will be important, each conversation, each glass of wine. I will worry less, and maybe live life just a little better.

------------------------------------------

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”- Thich Nhat Hanh

The road less travelled

2010-05-07T18:40:00.000-04:00

I was told by my x that there are no White Knights who were going to save me. I know that is clearly not true. The White Knights in life are your friends, your family and kind people you meet every day. They uplift you and make you feel stronger. My brother is a White Knight; my sons and daughters are certainly Knights. A few special men, who are dear and well loved friends, remind me that there is still much fun to be had and that I am good company.

I have several Female Knights as well, who have rescued me from despair and shown me that I could follow a new path in life. They bless me with wise advice and push me to make choices that are good for me and my children. They encourage me and reassure me that I am adaptable and competent; they provide models of behaviour that are nurturing and enduring.

When one travels through life it is important to have guardians to watch over you and protect you and show you the way. We just need to recognise who they are and be grateful.

The Road Less Travelled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.-

2010-03-27T20:30:00.000-04:00

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.-anon

I have loved once, twice maybe more.

I certainly have not love wisely or cleverly

but deeply and foolishly

I have loved against the interest of myself

and caused myself great harm

I cannot say I loved and caused no injury

I cannot say I loved without selfishness

But I did love and was often happy in it

Life is to be lived and love is part of it

To have really lived one must have loved

even if to lose it

CS

Lost family

2010-03-25T23:25:00.002-04:00

It saddens me that my children seem to have lost their father’s family. Their father makes little attempt to see them even though he lives only 15 minutes away. The collateral damage in this family break-up is the loss of my husband’s family to me and our children. I really loved my extended family and our children from previous marriages had become friends. In the first weeks there was I thought sincere expressions of support and pledges of continued love, but now months have passed and no one has called to even see if we are alright.

I understand that my husband’s family will continue to love and support my husband despite the fact that it was his actions that caused the family break-up. But I am truly surprised that they have forgotten us so fast. My kids were so worried that this would happen and I assured them it would not. I guess I was wrong. I guess they really don’t care. The kids have stopped asking about them now I think they are accepting the situation, but I am so sad for their loss and sad for myself also.

Three months and counting

2010-03-14T22:32:00.000-04:00

Three and a half months have passed since I began this new life. It seems much, much longer then that. I am certainly not the person who began this journey. I have regained me feet and no longer feel overwhelmed. I feel bruised, battered and injured but not crushed. I am going down a road I never thought I would but I am actually beginning to find the road interesting, challenging and sometimes exciting, ultimately I hope it's rewarding as well. I am meeting some interesting people along the way. I certainly find I am much stronger then I thought.

One thing I have learned about myself is that my personal values and ethics have remained intact. I know that if you rely on partner who is weak and has no strong ethical foundation you put yourself at risk. I regret that I didn’t see this weakness sooner. I believed my partner though flawed did basically share my values. It’s still surprises me how love can obscure a clear view of people. I excused and explained away serious faults and really bad behaviour and even blamed myself. I thought I was not good enough not loveable enough whatever, now I know I am a worthwhile person who deserves respect and consideration.

I want to ensure my kids do not model the selfish behaviour that they have recently witnessed and been victims of. I want them to understand that temporary personal gratification at the expensive of others only leads to a screwed-up life.

I also want my kids to see that you can climb out from under all the shit life dumps on you and survive. I just hope one day life moves from getting by day by day, to really a secure place where we are all thriving not just surviving. I think this will happen.

My Plan- revisited

2010-03-05T22:54:00.000-05:00

My Plan- revisited

A month or so has passed since I began my plan. Every good work-plan involves review, revision and assessment of progress. So where am I on my plan?

1. Start a new career.

This is going well. I have begun work…its going ok. I am still very much at the beginning of the learning curve. I am investing more with no return yet. But that should correct itself soon.

2. Rebuild my family life.

My children are returning to themselves. I like them better now and they seem to like me too. I am not turning into a different person so that brings them some comfort. I hope to spend some recreational time with them soon. The house and day routines are settling in.

3. Develop a secure financial plan.

This is still just a plan…but now it’s a working plan. I hope to see real results within weeks.

“Not to do”, list.

1. Do not repeat life mistakes, move on.

Not to worry here. I keep to myself. I am just trucking along. I do see too much of my ex it’s not always painful but I usually feel pretty insecure and sad after he leaves. Our behaviour is strange with each other and strained. He talks as if we are a family but then goes about his strange secret life. I don’t know what to make of him. I remain cautious and wary of his motives this is a good thing. I feel no forgiveness here and I don’t see that happening. We will never be friends.

2. Do not despair at minor set back

I don’t despair; I am sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes hurt but not desolate with grief. I can see things are better. I no longer apologize when I am hurting I just wait it out till it lessens.

I am trying to remain flexible, adaptive and optimistic-more relaxed.

3. Do not enter into any new personal relationships.

No problem there my life is pretty narrow but it’s what I can manage now. It is safer too to keep to a small world.

Spring is coming

2010-02-21T23:10:00.000-05:00

~ Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself ~ Zen proverb - inaction

This is an apt description of my life for the last for the last few months. I have no plans I have just existed. But still things have moved on around me. Maybe this is not a bad way to be, to let life just unfold one day at a time. To stop struggling to influence the outcome and just go with the flow.

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

Seasons follow each other, ebbing and flowing but time is a relative thing; when you’re young a sunny day can go on and on, when you’re old time flies by. This winter time for me has moved slowly, almost agonisingly slow, but it has still moved on.

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. ~ Anne Bradstreet 1655

Spring is a word for hope. But I am afraid to hope again. I want to keep my wishes small and my expectations few. I want to live without desire and then I won’t be disappointed when my desires are not realized. I want only simple peace for myself and to be free from worry about a future that is unknowable. If the future unfolds in my favour I will be pleasantly surprised, appreciative and grateful.

Cure

2010-02-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

In general love is a good thing. It supports you, gives meaning to the things you do and is usually valued when given and received. Sometimes love is a destructive habit. It may have begun well and whole but somehow it became diseased. You may not even have been aware of its gradual decline, but little by little it become a malignancy and metastasised into all facets of your life. This deformed love damaged your self esteem, your self image and your reason to be. The symptoms of this malady are pain, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, cognitive impairment, irritability and depression. An additional side effect is social isolation, self imposed, brought on by a fear of awkward social situations.

The cure for this aliment is defiantly a painful process. I understand that recovery does not occur in every case. Many people seem to bounce back as if they were recovering from a simple cold or sever headache but others never recover. They become drug or alcohol dependent developing lifelong social disabilities. For most of us the cure is a slow and intensely agonizing experience. This process is also difficult for friends and family to watch. Everyone who cares about the victim offers comforting words and performs supportive tasks, but know the path to recovery is just something one has to endure alone. And the cure itself is something the victim must find for themselves.

In every successful cure there is a defining moment when the victim begins to rebound. When there is a realization that the disease is losing its potency; because you know that the person you loved does not deserve to be loved; because you finally recognize that the person you loved was not even real. This understanding can be heartbreaking but it does begin to bring about the cure.

The art of procrastination

2010-02-06T12:30:00.000-05:00

Procrastination is the deferment of tasks to a later time. There are many types of procrastination and procrastinators. I would define myself as a stress related procrastinator, feeling sometimes overwhelmed with what I have to do. Knowing the time it may take to complete a task and the effort, I think I cannot fulfill what is needed to succeed. Funny thing I is that I am a good long term planner and a good facilitator. Once I begin a task I usually enjoy the work and the results. But there is one area of my life that I habitually ovoid getting down to business of; and that is my life.

I tend to analysis things to a great extent so this reflection is in keeping with my usual behaviour.

I am now looking at all the options open in my life. One or two look like fun and work, one looks like a step backwards or at best a stagnation. Procrastination can also be an opportunity to delay making choices when all the information, feelings and consequences are not known. In other words it can be a coping strategy. But it comes with its own anxiety, based on fear. By making a choice it may well be the wrong choice, good opportunities are being missed by choosing one thing over another, and fear that the tide of events will just drag me along to a bad end.

I know that much of my life has been chance. Being in a particular place at a particular time and choosing to do or not do a particular thing. Most of it has worked out but some big important things have not. However at this time I am still going to procrastinate on making the big decisions and work only on the little ones. I am gathering information, feelings and judging the possible outcomes based on past experience. I will decide when the time is right. Procrastination becomes an art when by engaging in it one finds life works out just fine.

The 2010 plan.

2010-02-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

After months of looking at what I have lost in life or thought I had, I am now looking at building a better life for myself and my children.

So this is my “to do”, list for this year. Sort but doable.

1. Start a new career.

I have made a great start with an amazing opportunity just handed to me. I am studying and learning and actually enjoying it. The connections I make now will help me in the long and short term. I will learn a lot from some very smart people.

2. Rebuild my family life.

Focus on my children. Keep the connection strong between my older children and my younger ones. Ensure the younger ones are doing well in school, are healthy and have time to recover from this year. I want to plan a holiday this year with just myself and my children.

3. Develop a secure financial plan.

Where do I want to be in 5 years, 10 years?

This year is going to be all about getting my groove back. Getting back to a place where I am happy and secure. If I am going to have a “to do” list I think I will also need a “not to do”, list.

1. Do not repeat life mistakes, move on.

I need to move on with my life on a personal level. I gave everything I could to save my marriage. I turned myself inside out to forgive and please my husband. It was not enough. We all know you can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone respect you.

2. Do not despair at minor set back

No plan works 100%, 100% of the time. There are going to be occasional set backs. I will deal with each one, look solutions and keep going.

3. Do not enter into any new personal relationships.

I don’t need any more complications in my life. I certainly can’t deal with any form of rejection so why put myself in a position to let anything like that happen. My judgement is not where it should be I might just get involved with the wrong person again. My kids could not deal with another person added into mix either and I need to focus on my children and on myself only.

So that is the work plan for my life for 2010. Now I need to work the plan. Review it, update it, and focus on the goals.

Epiphany

2010-01-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a lot lately about relationships and coping with failed ones. I came across quite a lot of information on personality disorders. I thought perhaps I would find myself in those pages, gain some insights that would help me cope with my situation, depression, anxiety and fear of the future etc. I was concerned about the intensity of my experience. How deeply depressed I was, how incapacitating the feelings were. Understanding the process helped a lot.

What I found out about myself is that I am pretty normal (sort of boring) and I am going through a normal grieving process that will lead to eventual healing. Scars are guaranteed but I guess I can learn to love them. I just need time to pass through the intense periods and confidence that it will end.

I think I understand who it is I am married to. I recognize now that there was nothing I could have done to change the situation. The personality of my spouse was consistent and constant over time; the traits and behaviours are so well described in many papers. I know he understands there is something wrong with him and his actions. His impulsive and selfish behaviour is momentarily satisfying but is destructive to himself and others and yet he seems unable or unwilling to stop. I doubt he will ever actually seek help to repair himself and his life.

The weather is getting so much better

2010-01-28T01:19:00.000-05:00

When you have lost faith in yourself even the smallest tasks can seem too difficult. They seem pointless. A few weeks ago I had to force myself to make dinner for my children. I had to force myself to do normal tasks around the house. I didn’t care how I looked I just followed my personal routine out of habit.

I found it next to impossible to leave the house and see friends. When I did I worried I would either break down into shameful tears or go on an angry rant, I would scurry home after a short time. Each day was a duty call and I made it to the end of each day only by putting one foot ahead of the other. I tried not to look up and see where I was going because I was really afraid of what I would see.

In the last week I felt my personal weather changing. It is not so dark and gloomy all the time the clouds seemed to be lifting. I felt more determined to get on with life rather then just survive the day. Today thanks to the support of my old boss and his confidence in me I have been given a positive forecast with an opportunity to do a sales contract for a property development company. I am so excited and relieved. The real me was present and engaged today. I truly feel I can walk now without looking at my feet.

Being right does not necessarily feel good

2010-01-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

I don’t have anything insightful to say about how I feel today. I am somewhat baffled by how conflicted I am. I am angry at being right. The consequences of certain actions had inevitable results. I should be smug but instead I am sad that my opinion was so disrespected and my feelings so disregarded. So much pain and upheaval could have been and should have been avoided.

In another age I would be considered a very old woman. At my age I should be wise and spend my days looking back over my life, integrating it into stories for my children to use as life lessons. But the truth is I am sure my life is not yet ready for inspection it still has some development to undergo it’s a very incomplete project. The whole tale is not quite written as they say. In our time lives are so expanded. Childhood is dragged on through adolescence and adulthood drags on until retirement and then it seems the fun begins.

“I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know no way of judging of the future but by the past”. EDWARD GIBBON

I am confident of one thing I don’t know what will happen to me over the next year. I am also certain I will try to NOT make the same mistakes I have made in the past with people or money. I am the only one who knows what is good for me. I am determined not to be anyone’s fool and I will not hand my trust or personal power over to anyone.

“History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce”. KARL MARX

I am determined to think and act for myself and my children. In the past I have given control over my life to others. Let other people decide for me what I should do. It was easier. I put myself into a role of dependency and then was very unhappy when choices were made that were not in my best interest. It may be lot scarier to be fully responsible for my choices but I am sure I will be more satisfied with the outcomes. And really at my age and with a fairly long life behind me I should have faith in myself.

“We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future”. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

My Family is my purpose

2010-01-23T00:14:00.000-05:00

My family is my children and me; it is the purpose of my life. I have gone through many changes in family in the last 30 years. When I was a young women I married a good man whom I loved very much and had two wonderful children. For a time I was very happy but for some unknown reason, I thought I needed more then what I had. I sought more and destroyed my marriage and tore apart my family. My oldest children shuffled between two single parent households instead of having one home devoted to them. I regretted what I had done, but regret is of no use unless you strive to learn from it and improve. I wanted to recreate my family and regain the purpose I once had.

I met a man whom I loved and who seemed to want to regain what he had lost, his family. We had both made mistakes and I thought we both found an opportunity with each other to regain what we had lost. I thought we were committed to creating a new family. To include whereever possible our older children from our previous marriages, who had suffered from our past mistakes. We had two children of our own and it all worked for awhile, we were happy. Yes we had a few problems but none that couldn’t be conquered by love and loyalty.

Then things began to go terribly wrong. My husband lost his commitment to me and our family. He found no joy or pleasure in his children. He became disrespectful and disloyal to me, he no longer loved me. His purpose became his own happiness and did not care what pain it caused.

So here I am, I still have my family its just looks different then it did a few months ago. I have grown children who are mature and interesting people. Though they no longer live with me or their own father, they are very important to me and their younger siblings. Their influence is felt, wanted and needed. We are concerned about how they get on and want to be included in their lives. I live with my teenagers who are also interesting people. They are still healing from this year of drama and the final upheaval.

I hope they will come to understand that the family they have, although it is not the one they had hoped for or expected, is still one that will nurture and support them as they grow to be adults. I also hope they will try one day to have a complete family of their own. Because I failed twice to have that complete family, it does not mean it is not possible or not a worthwhile goal to strive for. It only means I was not successful.

My purpose now is to ensure my youngest children are secure until they are educated and prepared to be successful adults. My purpose is to ensure they live in an environment in which they can thrive and grow into caring well rounded people. I seek no other happiness beside this, I don’t need any other.

Lost in a snow storm

2010-01-21T01:36:00.000-05:00

I was driving at night in a snow storm. I was driving through a luminous white tunnel. The car headlights reflected off of the swirling snow and didn’t illuminate anything. I couldn’t see the road ahead, couldn’t see familiar land-marks and all the cars on the road seemed to be headed right for me. I wasn’t sure I was traveling in the right lane anymore. The snowfall was so heavy it covered the tracks of the cars on the road as soon as they passed by. I gripped the steering wheel so tightly my fingers were stiff. I hunched over the wheel, straining to make out the road, every muscle in my back stiff from my growing panic. There was no choice but to keep going so I kept driving, slowly. I wanted to turn on the radio for a bit of a distraction from my fear, but I was too nervous I could not look away from the road ahead. I felt truly alone and desperate to get home and be safe again.

Finally I stopped at an intersection that was brightly lit with those newer yellow lamp posts. I could actually see where I was at and knew I was headed in the right direction only a few minutes from home. Just before the lights changed a plough turned left in front of me I followed it the rest of the way home.

I think I am almost at that same intersection again. The snow is letting up a bit and I can just make out familar land-marks but the road itself is still snow covered.

Regaining my sense of self

2010-01-19T18:36:00.000-05:00

It seems that I have lost that ability to take things on the chin and get back up and fight again. I feel like I am just faking it. Maybe it’s because I have been smacked down too many times in a row or that I am just too old and tired to fight anymore. Icompare myself with others and come up short. I am sure everyone can see that too. I have read that no one can take you self confidence, basically, you give it away. Maybe that’s true but I tried damn hard to keep it and now I want it back.

I used to say, “Fake it till you make it”, meaning; pretend you feel good, strong and confident until you do. I need now to practice what I have preached for so long. I used to trust myself. If I thought something was true, right or the best option I felt confident in going with my judgement. I trusted myself to make decisions and so others trusted me. I will get that back. I now realize that a lot of decisions I made over the last year were made due to a lack of knowledge about the true nature of the situation. I continued to accept false information when my instinct and judgement told me the information was a lie. I will not do that again.

From now on I will dress well when going out of the house. I will stand straighter and walk faster with purpose. I will be my own best promoter. I will be grateful for the good things and people in my life and try very hard to forget the disappointments. I will try to follow my mothers advice; “if you don’t have anything nice to say about people don’t say anything at all”. Now that will be my hardest task. I will kind and gracious to those I care about and polite to those I don’t. Most of all I will stop focusing on my own short comings and focus on the needs of people I care about.

Home

2010-01-18T21:12:00.000-05:00

This house was built by love, for family

This house holds all our treasures, our history, our memory

This house gives us a place in this world, refuge and peace

This house is where my son is restful, where my daughter sleeps

This house is where my children come home

My children

2010-01-16T23:06:00.000-05:00

I find myself thinking of what is positive and good in my life and that all seems to centre on the four people who came out of my life. They are so different and yet in each I see a little of the others.

In my oldest I see wisdom. He is a man who thinks clearly and is curious about the world. He is joyful and in his sisters I see that. He is compassionate and I see that in his little brother. He is someone I can rely on to guide the others.

In my second child I see an adventure seeker. One who will strike out on her own to get a thing done. She is joyful and curious and maybe just bit too much of risk taker. But she is also no ones fool.

My third child is inward looking and cares deeply and in that he can be somewhat frail. He has a dry bright wit. We all underestimated him. He has a clear understanding of morals and ethics and is the most compassionate of all my children. He is beginning to flourish into a man but he is no hurry.

My youngest is the strongest, the most competitive. She sets plans and works to achieve them and she does not like half measures, she likes to win. She is kind and caring to those she loves and bitter towards those she dislikes. She enjoys life but seeks to direct it.

I wonder how these four amazing people came to be. I fall far short of the best parent. I don’t think I had much to do with who they have each have come to be. But I am proud of what I see. They seem to have just grown with a little water, food and sunshine.

We all betray

2010-01-15T10:23:00.001-05:00

Betrayal, the word seems so straight forward but it is a complicated concept.

We all betray and we are all at one time or other are victims. We reveal the secrets of friends and family, sometimes with the intention of seeking advice, sometimes to seek support, sometimes because we just want to complain. Betrayal or the depth of betrayal depends on the degree of harm that has been done to others. The degree of harm depends on what the actual act was and the relationship between the victim and the one committing the harmful act.

3rd degree betrayal is where the victim(s) have no personal relationship or where the act itself is of minor consequence to the victim(s). The victim may not even be aware the act has taken place, they are able to recover quickly and easily with no lasting effect.
2nd degree betrayal is where there is a relationship between the parties and therefore assumed trust. The act of betrayal may have some larger consequence such as the loss of trust and will cause some damage to the relationship but the victim can recover.
1st degree betrayal would be where there is a close and dependent relationship between the victim and the betrayer and/or the act has a profound effect on the victim. The worst examples that come to mind are where people deliberately and thoughtfully plan to cause harm to someone who is intimately connected to them. The perpetrator is not remorseful for their act only sorry the act has been discovered.

I think we are a society that has grown too tolerate of betrayal. We look for reasons and justifications for harmful actions. We look for some fault in the injured party. We are contemptuous of those who are foolish enough to have become victims. We want to be able to understand so that we can forgive and forget and recover. This is not a bad thing in itself; recovery does come with understanding and with remorse and assurance that repeat offences will not happen. But how can we assign blame to the victim? Either you are or are not wounded. How can you trust too much, love too much, expect constancy too sincerely? How can the victim be at fault where the betrayer expected trust, love, support and faithfulness from their victim?

Maybe I am just a fool.

most important me

2010-01-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

I was watching Dr. Phil today and this man (?) was on the show, whining about how his wife didn’t pay him enough attention or desire him enough etc., so essentially it was her fault he cheated on her. The poor pregnant wife looked devastated. Today I saw a sad face book posting from a friend, a sweet woman, pretty women, all broken up because she has parted with he boyfriend. Her friends sent her love and support as good friends do, but she blames herself. Somehow she is at fault. Sounds familiar I am pretty sure I thought that way just yesterday.

Why do we blame ourselves for the failings of our men? Is it that we were brought up to believe we need to fix everything, make everyone happy? What brought us to the place where men are not really men, just old children who take no responsibly for their behaviour? How come when they are dishonourable and selfish they get to blame the women in their lives? What a world. Some one told these boys they were the most important people in the whole world and they believe it!

Personal gratification is the mantra of so many. Not just men there are a lot of women who are just as narcissistic. Lovers, who don’t thrill you all the time, are replaceable. Wives, who grow old, are disposable. Children who disappoint you are deniable. Friends who don’t entertain you are expendable. In a desperate quest for self fulfillment some people have become totally self obsessed. It used to be said that to be a good man or women you had to love and care for your family, your neighbours and your fellow man. Now it is said you have to love yourself above all others or you are not fully actualized. Great, with everyone looking in the mirror all the time there is little time left to really connect or care about anyone else.

There is no time left in our self absorbed day for guiding children through life. There little time left for nurturing your spouse because well, you’re too damn busy wrapped up in your own interests. Hell you deserve to be happy first, don’t you? There is no time left to share the lives of your brothers or sisters or mothers or fathers because, well who does now days anyway. And the sad thing is that a lot of people think this is OK. So if at the end of the day if you’re lonely, depressed and the endless searching for self gratification has still not fulfilled you, well I guess you could always look in the mirror and chat with that great human being looking back at you I am sure you have a lot in common.

Partnership and marriage

2010-01-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

Marriage is a partnership that two people freely enter into anticipating personal benefits. Each partner has a role to play, obligations to meet and work to perform. When the family expands and children are born, these children require nurturing and support from both parents. The role each parent plays is valuable but often different. I my case I played the primary role of caregiver, while their father supported the family. Because of that role I gave up influence in the financial affairs of the family and eventually lost all power over decisions. In later years I was not even given access to information regarding assets, debts or expenditures. If I asked I was violently accused of lacking trust and being ungrateful.
I cannot claim to be ignorant of the dangers of my situation, nor can I claim I was not warned that my partner was guilty of mismanagement and dishonest behaviour in past relationships. I was duly warned and therefore bare some degree of fault for not taking steps to protect myself and my children. I ought to have been more assertive and less willing to be placated. I wanted peace and security and hoped for love and faithfulness.
But once you give power away in a relationship it is impossible to get it back. If your partner does not have your best interest at heart, or the best interest of the family, they will exercise their control to take advantage of you. He always had a sense of entitlement and it grew along with his contempt for me and my position of weakness.

There is irony in this story. My husband’s business partner did the same thing to him. My husband felt weak and while often disagreeing with his partner’s decisions agreed so as to maintain harmony. My husband gave up power to his partner for peace and security. His business partner facilitated his personal activities because it help distract my husband from business and allowed him to actively pursue an agenda that would lead to my husband losing his rights in the partnership. A clever tactic but is also dishonest.

While both situations are remarkable similar in terms of motivation on the part of all party’s concerned the outcomes may be very different. In fact the law places no fault on those who commit what in business amounts to criminal acts, against their partners or their children. Family Law seem to be written for abusers not victims. When there are clear intentional damages towards one partner in a marriage there should be clear penalties.

The road

2010-01-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

There are wild flowers along the way
The route is mainly easy
Not too rocky or uneven, with few hills to climb
Some of the way is dark and scary
And I have been cold and wet
But often the route is sunny with little to regret

I’ve met a few people and will meet many more
Some I will remember some I will forget
Some who taught me things and helped me on the way
A few who have robbed me but did not my way delay

I had a crowd of children who used to follow me
They now run on ahead to see what they can see
They leave signs to show me they have passed along the way
There are people on the road some travel fast some slow
On harder roads, with fewer times to rest
They carry loads on narrow paths of tears
Some roads are short and sad others long and peaceful
Some lead to great rewards but all must finally end

I will heal

2010-01-12T09:27:00.000-05:00

I can choose to be a victim of or I can pick myself up and live. I had one of the scariest days of my life yesterday. I was ready to give up on everything. Melt in a heap of despair and self pity. I have come to accept that no one is going to rescue me from this nightmare. The one person I thought would always look out for me for the rest of my life is in fact my enemy. I can’t let him defeat me. Yes together these evil people have done a lot of damage and left me with wounds that will always be there to bother me. I can however cover-up those wounds and treat them so they are less painful. I cannot let those scares cripple me.

While I am healing I will try to forward looking, there will come a day when I can run again and leave my tormentor and his accomplice in the dust. I will not be pushed out of my home!

suddenly a single parent

2010-01-10T21:52:00.001-05:00

Being suddenly a single parent to two teens is interesting to say the least. We are all a little traumatized by our family’s final collapse and so there is a bit of behaviour hangover but all in all they are really good kids so nothing it too dramatic is happening. However last night, my 15 year came in a 2 am she was supposed to be staying with a friend but they all had a fight so two girls came back here to sleep.

Girls they are always on and off again with each other. BBF one day, calling each other names on face book the next. I only noticed their night time wonderings because the front door opened and hall lights went on and woke me up. So I will need to be more attentive and hold her to a curfew that is more appropriate. I refuse to be the single mom who lets her kids run wild. I will keep them in line until they are able to make good choices for themselves. But I have little to complain about they are for the most part supportive just very messy.

Today again was a good day. Blue skies, a little lighter longer, spring is coming in a few months. This week I will look for some kind of work. There is not much out there but I will find something just to give me some ready money.

I am sad about one thing though. In the first weeks of this disaster my husband’s family, here, said they would always be there for us but I know now that will not be true. I have phoned a couple of times and they never called back. I guess we must leave them behind, so sad, they meant a lot to us. My son was afraid that would happen and he was right. Well I guess we didn’t mean much to them.

You know what really burns me, the fact that if I had not met my husband and had two more kids, I would have continued my career and been relatively comfortable and independent. I sure don’t regret my two youngest children; they are great people, who are the result of our relationship. But if I hadn’t totalled my band new blue Miata on that early spring icy road, I would be living a very different life today. Fate in play again, or just a strange series of events? But it does serve me right for taking a chance and tying my life up with dishonourable man.

Ah well no point in regrets....no life really lived is without some pain.

Unexpected off ramps

2010-01-10T01:16:00.000-05:00

Fate/Karma/the Butterfly Effect and unexpected off ramps.

I was driving down the 401 listening to Stevie Nicks, enjoying myself, and the next thing I knew I went sailing past the exit I needed to take and was about to be late. I seem to have taken the wrong exit off the highway a few times lately. When I am late for anything, I get really anxious and stressed. If I get lost while driving, particularly at night I get almost frantic. Here I am cruising along through life, for the most enjoying things, then crap I missed the turn, so I am stressed, anxious and a little frantic.

If I accept that fate plays a role in life then missing the exit and arriving 10 minutes late to teach my class this morning was well, inevitable. Everything that follows from this point on is meant to be. Getting dumped by my husband after 18 years was going to happen, has happened and whatever follows is well, destiny. The thought is comforting because then I have no resposiblity for what happens next in my life. I am just an accidental tourist.

I am really much more a of a Karma girl, rather then an believer in fate. I believe that everything we think, ever word we say, ever thing we do or ask others to do for us, effects the path we take in life and the people we meet along the way. We all have free will, we are therefore responsible for our actions. If we deliberatly do harm to others we will suffer for it somehow. Our lives are actually a series of self directed acts and we are therefore responsible for the resulting outcome; we write our own destiny.

I know from my experience so far in life that I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Little things have often had the most unexpected effect on my life. So in the grand scheme of things; will getting dumped by my husband after 18years, change the course of my life profoundly or was taking the wrong exit this morning the pivotal point in my life. I guess I will revisit this question a few times in the next year.

Do you have to believe in God to be a moral person or recover from adversity?

2010-01-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

I think I am a moral person, a compassionate person, even a kind person, but I am not religious. I have been reading web sites, blogs and some books, hoping to find helpful advice and insight into. I find most declare that you will need God’s help to get by. But I don’t believe in God. So does that say I am doomed? And what does not believing in a higher power say about me as a person? Am I less moral then those who have a faith?

I simply know if you wish to live in society you must do no intentional harm to others. Respect that others have the right to live happily, peacefully and securely.

The basic rules of human interaction were not given to man by some mythical super-power, but naturally exist, are the constructs of man, and desirous because we could not live together otherwise. We are social animals who live in communities; our morals come from the need to get along. Real participation in society means abstaining from injurious acts. Truthfulness, loyalty, respect for each other, the nurturing children, protection of the weak, are all self-serving necessary moral activities. The individual is at one time or another dependent on the community and therefore must uphold and contribute to the community when able, in order to reap protection when they are not. It is not God who has decided what are right or wrong actions, morality has nothing to do with religiosity and everything to do with being human and a participant in society.

Today was a good day for the most part. I finished a couple of projects and was successful in my studies. But I did dwell on some personal questions while I was getting on with things. I discovered that I should trust myself more. If I believe something is not true or feels wrong it probably is. People can misdirect, mislead and outright lie. If you love them, you can easily be manipulated into accepting that your gut feelings are wrong and even mean spirited. Only after you discover the full truth can you get some of that faith in yourself back.

“To forgive all is as inhuman as to forgive none” Seneca

2010-01-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

To the religious, forgiveness seems to be a constant occupation; asking for the forgiveness of sin, and forgiving those who wrong us. I don’t accept that you must forgive everyone, everything because somehow it will help you heal. Is that even real forgiveness or just compliance so as to gain some small measure of personal peace?

Does not forgiving all transgressions against you just diminish your own self worth and promote self loathing? I believe we have this natural desire for justice when wronged. I am not talking about revenge; I am talking about restitution. Everyone has the desire to be returned to a state they were in before we were harmed. Is that even possible?

“The secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing” George Bernard Shaw

I am a little sad today, very self obsorbed. I have always been introverted and quite able to be on my own for long periods of time. I am happy to chat on the phone, to text or e-mail, but face to face is very hard.

My happiness set-point

2010-01-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

Today has been a great day.

My ex took my son for the evening, a surprisingly helpful thing for him to do. After our blow-up last evening, it was a break both my son and I needed. Today my teenagers have declared they will cooperate, they will be nicer to each other and more respectful to me; and I will give them more personal freedom in the house. We will see if it lasts, at least they recognise the issues.

Ok so that means ignoring the piles of clothes, old food and many glasses in one room and the mound of dirty unwashed mixed with clean folded clothes all on the floor, in the other child’s room. I guess I can live with it. Hey my cat is awesome at catching mice.

I accomplished a lot too. I painted walls, trim and windows frames in rec. room. I will finish painting the stucco walls tomorrow. I made great progress in my studies making up for the lack of progress yesterday, and so I feel great. I wish I was not so self-absorbed though.

Last night a neighbour and good friend came over to give me a pep talk. I admit I was resistant but you know by the time she left I felt much lighter, more hopeful and more positive. I am so lucky to have dear friends who check up on me by phone and take the time to drop by and continually encourage me, “it will get better it just takes time”, “and you are going to be ok”. You know, I think I believe them!

They say for everyone there is a happiness set-point, resilience is the ability to return to that set-point, whatever yours is, after a tramatic life event. Well I have had a few knock backs in a row over the last year. I spend a lot of energy on feeling defeated and being angry. I am searching for my happiness set-point.

They say when you first experience an adverse event you struggle to overcome it, that struggle is the difficult period. Its when you accept the new reality and adapt to it that you can deal with it. Sure I understand this intellectually, but it still sucks. I can’t really see a future yet or personal happiness but I am beginning to think they are both there, somewhere, just over the horizon and maybe they will be in sight one day. I just need to keep going.

Pity Party-invitation only

2010-01-05T22:16:00.000-05:00

This day began so well but by the late afternoon it had crashed and burned. I got up at 6:30am, read the paper, made coffee, got laundry started, made banana bread. But things then went down hill.

Kids didn’t sleep well so I let them sleep in. They made it to second class after some serious pushing to get to school.

I received a phone call this morning which revealed more hidden lies from ex, so I was upset all day.

I did some housework, some studying, but not nearly enough.

Fought will kids after school; one left to his dads for the night; the other to classmates.

I finish draft of a report needed to complete a contract.

Friend came over and gave some good council so now I will just wait to see if tomorrow is better. Damn, I am the only one attending this pity party.

I need little to be content

2010-01-03T18:12:00.000-05:00

Snowy, cold and dark, typical January day. But I am content. I have my children and my house, and in better seasons, its garden. I really don’t need much else. Oh ya, maybe a few good books. In the next few years I will enjoy a few fun travel adventures with my children before the youngest ones fly the nest. I will also become a better golfer, I hope. I have a few good firends and my family. So what else do I need, well nothing really.

My daughter told me a sad story about a friend whose mother has a very active social life (read dates a lots of men). So much so it causes much distress to her teenage children. I think my daughter shared this information with me so I would assure her that I was not going to be chasing men.

She can rest easy on that score. I have decided that romance will not be part of this last phase of my life. I have failed at marriage and will not try to substitute some casual romantic life in its place.

Some women, of a certain age, chase men. These could be married men, single men, younger men, whatever. They suffer humiliation, are the subject of gossip and the disrespect of their own children. It can’t be that they are desperate for sexual intimacy because that element can’t exist without respect and safety. I am not referring to those fortunate few who truly find a wonderful partner, they deserve their joy. Sadly I am a poor judge of men. I tend to be gullible, so better just to avoid further heartbreak altogether and focus on all the other neglected parts of my life, mind and soul.

Day 2 of a new year

2010-01-02T10:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I looked forward to a new day and a new year. However 2009 still had to give me one last kick before it left. Well actually it’s my own fault, for not really paying close attention to it, apparently my E.I. is done. I thought I had one more month of income but it appears not. I am normally not a procrastinator or at least I don’t like to think of myself as one. I was going to spend Jan. and Feb. looking for some sort of a job. So now I need to get my ass out and hunt.

What a lousy time of the year to look, businesses are in their slow period so any job will be hard to find. Also I really don’t have any skills outside of the recreation field. I am trying to study for my real estate licence but it will take years to see any financial benefit from it. So I am really worried and lack confidence. But all work is valuable I really believe that, so I will do anything or try to.

On the home front I learned something about my younger son last night. He is a lot more insightful then I gave him credit for. He said; “the reason I spent so much time gaming is because I wanted to avoid having to deal with you and Dad. But now that he is not here I can come out of the basement”. Wow that was a conversation stopper. I was watching ‘curb your enthusiasm’ year end marathon before I picked him up from work, and we stayed up last night and watched it together until 2:00am. He is actually a pretty cool kid.

The night before my youngest came into my room at 1:00 and said; “don’t worry 2010 will be a good year for us”. So I am pretty lucky I guess despite 2009 be arguably the bleakest, most traumatic year of my life, my kids appear to have come out of it really quite OK.
I also have good friends the kind that call you and say, ‘just checking to see how you're doing’. Who will tell you the truth as they see it, no matter how much I don’t want to hear it or how uncomfortable it is to say.
I am going to spend today and tomorrow teaching advanced lifesaving courses. I love teaching it is intellectually stimulating, and I really feel like I am doing something worthwhile. It actually makes me happy while I am doing it.
So why and I still feeling so winy?

I am also really annoyed that I think about my ex several times a day and they are never happy thoughts. I need that to just stop!

My second child sent me, "45 life lessons", this morning, pretty cool.

January 1, 2010

2010-01-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

This is my first holiday season spent without my husband. I think I am ok. I have wept, felt anger, and oddly I have had a few moments of peace. After a drama filled year my marriage is over.

I am determined to focus on my children. By that I mean, help them to be the best people they can be. My oldest 2 children are adults. They are capable, intellegent, on successful life paths and good role models for their younger siblings. My 2 teens are a little shell-shocked, saddened by loss and this disruption in their lives and worried about what is in store for them. I am pleased to say they are thoughtful, well grounded people who have helped me survive this.

I am determined to enter this new chapter in my life with an open mind. I will work towards personal success and becoming a fully independent person.
It is so strange to no longer have a life plan. It is SCARY, but it is also liberating to live life unscripted.
The adventure begins.